Jubilant June

Jubilant: def. feeling or expressing great happiness and triumph (google definitions)

I’m gonna be honest here for a moment. I’ve been struggling with being discontent.  It’s one of those things that easily takes hold of me and eats away at me, leaving me melancholy. The other night I came home to my husband, laid down on my bed and cried.

I had just come home from going out for coffee with a friend who just graduated nursing college. Our conversation went a variety of ways, and at one point it was brought up that she would probably make around 20-25 dollars an hour. And I found myself envious.
For a long time, I have looked at my friends and as we have finished college I have seen them go off and start careers. At least two of my friends have worked as nurses for at least a year, some have bought houses, others are pregnant or have children. And I look at these things and can’t help but feel melancholy. Or perhaps it is simply jealousy.
I just turned 25 yesterday and let me tell you what I have accomplished. It doesn’t seem like much to me. In high school I grew up in a foreign country and had no opportunity for a job. During my college years, I worked part time as a student worker at the library helpdesk…for $7.50 an hour. After graduating with a bachelors in Counseling Psychology, I volunteered at a hospital where I cleaned beds and handed out food…8 hours a day for $2 an hour. And for a while I have been waiting for the proper paperwork so that this German girl can get “a big girl job” in America. I am not a qualified counselor, so unless I get my Masters, I will never make anywhere near to $20 an hour.
And so I sit here, a quarter of a century old and I feel like a child. A 25 year old child who has never had that “big girl job,” who is not qualified in anything. Even my husband is starting his career as a teacher in a few months.

This was only one of the reasons why I bitterly complained to my husband the other night. How do I deal with discontent? How do I deal with the knowledge that my sister, who is only 2 years older, is giving birth to her 3rd baby, owns a house, and at 22 had a good-paying successful job? Or with the fact that we don’t have much money in the bank? Or with the fact that I feel fairly ungifted in many areas and just wish that the Lord had blessed me with a talent that I could just flourish in.
Believe me, I could go on and on with things to be discontent about.

I have not been jubilant. Last month I dubbed it, Motivation May, in an effort to try some good habits in the area of motivation. I have dubbed this month Jubilant June, in an effort to be more jubilant. My husband is encouraging me to name three things each day that I am thankful. The other night when I came home and found an endless list of things to cry about, my husband basically forced me to name three things I was thankful for. Part of the definition of jubilant is “expressing triumph.” I know how desperately I need to triumph over discontent. Just as I needed to (and still do) need to triumph over a lack of motivation, I must work at being more thankful. Discontent eats away at the soul, like maggots eating away, until the only thing left is rottenness.

I must close my eyes and see how the Lord has blessed me. I had an adventurous life in a tropical paradise which has broadened my horizons. For many years I got to be active and while my knees are shot, I still manage to do the elliptical fairly pain free. I have the sweetest of husbands who dotes on me. My parents still love each other and I have the best big sister. My extended family is the bomb. I don’t starve and I have a cozy little apartment. Why be discontent?

Lets try to focus on the things the Lord has blessed us with instead of wasting time being discontent.

Fixer Upper

The last little while I have taken to watching HGTV house shows. I love the transformation on shows like Fixer Upper, Flip or Flop, Love It or List It and more. I find it fascinating to see what they can do with each individual room. They tear out walls, paint others and upgrade kitchens. I used to want to be an architect and love floorplans and looking at houses. I could sit and watch these shows for hours.

It was an evening sometime in the last few days. I had just made a mess of things and argued with my husband. (Honestly, I can’t even remember what exactly it was about.) In a huff I left the room. I ended up sitting out on our front steps, tears in my eyes and it sort of hit me. I feel like a Fixer Upper.

Physically I feel like a fixer upper. From my creaky knees that seem to have been given to me from a 60 year old to the extra pounds that have settled around my stomach and thighs and pretty much all of me I feel like I need an overhaul and body renovation. Honestly, it’s really not as bad as I make it out to be. But there are moments I feel this way.

But even more, I feel like a spiritual fixer upper. I sat out on the front steps thinking about how much needs to change. Parts of my heart are eaten by the termites of discontent. The living space has become cluttered with distraction. My heart could use a new coat of peace and joy. My trust in the Lord could use an overhaul. My attitude needs adjustment and there are many parts of my life that simply could use change.

It’s overwhelming.

But then I remember the creativity of humans that I see in these house shows. I see mere humans take an ugly, outdated, unlivable space and turn it into something beautiful and I have hope. Hope that my amazing Creator can take my fixer upper heart and renew it. How much more able is He.

Motivation May…Back to a Healthier Me

For the great majority of my life I have been involved in athletic activities. I spent my middle school and high school years playing Futsal, Volleyball and Basketball. During college I spent three years playing outdoor soccer. However in the almost two years post-college I have spent very little time devoted to fitness. One of the last games of my college season playing soccer I tore my ACL. Due to a variety of reasons, I didn’t end up getting surgery until almost 8 months later when I was back in Germany. Thankfully it was discovered that I had only partially torn my ACL and thus the surgery ended up only being minimally invasive. However, he told me “No contact sports for a year.” So I actually ended up not doing anything, using what he said and the cold German winter as an excuse to not exercise.

As a result of my job, I spent 8 hours a day on my feet. However, now that I am back in Germany waiting for my greencard to be able to work, I live a very sedentary lifestyle. And slowly the pounds have increased. I tried counting calories for a while, but was quickly discouraged by always going over my less than 1500 calories a day. Those pesky little fat cells just didn’t wanna shrink.

Unfortunately, I have a VERY hard time with self-motivation. That’s exactly why team sports was so ideal for me. I couldn’t just sit on the couch and not go to practice. That wasn’t an option. And so I was forced to go out and be active. However, I don’t have that anymore and so I find it difficult to get up off the couch. Sadly, while I always have had an athletic build, I do not have the petite, stick-thin figure that some have. Instead, with a sedentary lifestyle, low discipline and motivation and probably my genes, I have the tendency to gain. And so I have, with much dismay, reached the heaviest I have ever been in my life.

One of my biggest obstacles is my awful knees. I’ve struggled with my knees my entire life, particularly my left (not the one that I tore my ACL on). Ever since I was 11, I have suffered from subluxing patellas. In basic terms this means that my kneecap comes out of place. Sometimes just a little, other times all the way and it can be really painful. As a result my knee has progressively gotten worse. It grinds and gets sore really easily and has the beginning of osteoarthritis…AND I’M NOT EVEN HALFWAY THROUGH MY 20’s…Ugh.

Unfortunately I have used this as an excuse for waaaaaaaay too long. And so this month is motivation May. I have decided to live healthier and hopefully shed some pounds. What does motivation May include? Drinking more water, exercising regularly, spending less time watching Netflix and spending regular time in the Word. Because reading the Bible and spending time with the Lord is essential, probably THE most essential part, of living life. And so my wonderful husband and my dear friends are encouraging me on this endeavor to a healthier me.